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WRITINGS: LIKE NECTAR TO BEES

"Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly,

"Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever did you spy;

The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,

And I've a many curious things to shew when you are there."

"Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "to ask me is in vain,

For who goes up your winding stair can ne'er come down again."

~ Mary Witt

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a big, beautiful mansion. She had fat, rosy cheeks, sleek black hair falling to her waist and chubby little hands and legs. Well-beloved by all who knew her, she had a young loving mother and the most wonderful doting father. She had 3 hand-maidens to call her own: one to play with her, one to feed her and one to bathe her. She had everything a little girl could possibly dream of.

One day, in that big beautiful mansion, she sat broodingly on the splendid marble staircase which commanded a bountiful presence the moment one entered that enormous home, layer upon layer of cool white marble laid to foundation, climbing up 15 steps to a large landing, and there it branched into 2 wings, one on each side, equally resplendent to lead to the different wings of the home. The staircase was just polished, and sparkled in the sunlight.

She sat there that morning, because she knew her father was going away somewhere for work. Her mother told her it was over the sea. Which sea? she wondered. How would her daddy go over the sea? Drive? An aeroplane? If so, what kind? Would he discover a new land? Why did he have to go? Her mother told her it was a place called London, in England, far away from where they lived. How far was far? At the tender age of 2, she had no sense of time and days. She asked her mother, “How far, Mummy?” And her mother said, “Far enough that when Daddy comes home, you would’ve grown an inch.”

And so she thought, if I grow an inch, then I’d need new slippers because my feet would’ve grown an inch too.

So as her father descended the staircase in his suit and customary briefcase, and her mother quickly planted a kiss on his nose, she got up and clung to his legs.

“Daddy, where will you go?” she asked. (Despite being the age of 2, she spoke exceedingly well).

“I’m going to London for work, my princess,” he said and smiled at her, picking her up and kissing her soundly on both cheeks.

“Then when you come back, will you buy me some new slippers?” she asked, her eyes wide and big. She hugged her father’s neck tightly, her chubby arms smelling of sweet Johnson’s baby lotion.

“Of course! Anything for you, my precious.”

“I want Minnie Mouse slippers,” she proclaimed. “Red ones. With bells. They go tinkle-tinkle.” She struggled to get down, and he put her down in the hall. “And with the funny mouse sounds.” She meant, slippers that squeaked.

For some reason, her father understood what she meant. He nodded gravely. “Of course, darling. Squeaky slippers, you mean.”

She nodded furiously.

Her dear father went off to London the next day, and came back 3 weeks later. In those 3 weeks, she had, indeed, grown an inch.

Father looked so handsome, and maybe a little older, she had missed him so much! He had come home in the night when she was asleep. And in the morning, when she was playing with her toy piano on the patio outside the house, he surprised her with a little gift.

Her eyes widened and shone with love. “Daddy!” she squealed, and there was no end to the hugs and kisses that followed, until he said, “Look what I bought you.”

Her mouth widened into an ‘O’ and she eagerly tore the gaily-wrapped gift. Inside a little silver shoe box, she found them. Exactly as she had pictured. Red Minnie Mouse slippers with tiny silver bells. And when she put them on and walked around, they squeaked.

Only fathers would search the ends of the earth for the perfect gift. To make the dreams of their little ones come true.

31 years on, that little girl (now grown up) thinks of those red Minnie Mouse slippers with fondness, a depth of indescribable emotions, and love in abundance.

The 35th Anniversary

I took a quiet moment tonight in my mum’s prayer room- away from the hustle of cars on the main road in front of my house. Away from my sleeping daughter who slumbered in the room next door. Away from my husband who was out celebrating a friend’s birthday.

I lit candles and the room filled with a pleasing scent of caramel roses. I lit incense sticks- they smelled of lovely lavender, and in a few minutes, the entire room was enveloped with the smell of all things wonderful and sweet. I turned down the volume of the portable Buddhist chant player on the altar (it has never been turned off from the day my mother brought it back from Thailand, and sometimes, in the still of the night, I can hear the faint Namo Tassa Bhagavato Arahato chants creeping softly under my door, filling me with a sense of peace and harmony).

I took his beautifully framed picture, touched my fingers to the cool glass softly, pressed a kiss onto his cheek. I talked to him as if things had never changed. I cried a little, of course I did- I’m such a softie, really. I wished him Happy Anniversary. I spoke to him about life without him. About how well I was coping, and how everyone was getting along.

For long minutes, I felt truly and completely happy because I knew he could hear me. I felt a faint caress across my cheek, so light that I thought I must’ve imagined it. Perhaps I did. Or perhaps he came to me. To tell me he was alright too. I fervently wished it was him. Sometimes when I step out into the cool night to look at the stars after my daughter has gone to bed, I always find a brilliant one, standing out in the darkened sky, twinkling like it had no other cares in the world. And that is when I know he is watching from above. I am a lucky girl. Who else has a star watching over her?

There is no place in the world I would rather have been then. Just sitting in that room, knowing and feeling, at the same time, all the beautiful and ugly things of the universe coming at me, assailing my senses and teaching me how to live each day.

A moment of weakness

I’ve been in the hospital with my daughter for the last 2 days. A little surgery. Poor girl.

She came out of the operating theatre yesterday evening, placed in the recovery room, her small little body wrapped in some kind of foil-like thing, which I later found out was some kind of hyperthermia blanket system that infuses warm air into the blanket to warm the body after surgery. An oxygen mask was pulled over her face, her eyes were semi-open and she was breathing noisily as she slept. They told me she would come out of anesthesia pretty soon.

I sat by her, in the scrubs they gave me. Ugliest, but at the same time, coolest things I’d ever worn, because they made me feel like a doctor in Seattle Grace. Except, of course, we weren’t at Seattle Grace. And there were no McDreamy or McSteamy doctors, too.

While I waited, I took a little walk around the recovery room, curious of my surroundings, being given a tiny glimpse into an actual operation theatre (which, by the way, they allowed me into for a short time while she was brought in and sedated).

Then I saw some contraptions, equipment, machines, which looked familiar. I recognized an infusion pump. A suction machine. Oxygen, of course. I noticed names of drugs printed neatly and taped onto a refrigerator. There were others, but I’m no medical expert, so I don’t know what they’re called. I only remember what they look like.

Inadvertently, the memories came. Flooded my vision with tears. The tears wouldn’t stop, they kept falling and I kept wiping them off with the back of my hand. Pictures in my head. Assailing. Assaulting my senses. I felt like I was spinning.

My daughter had just come out of surgery, and I was crying about my dead father.

Whoever it was who said time heals all wounds was lying. This wound would never heal. I will always remember, and because I do, the wound can never go away. It will remain open. But it doesn’t ever mean I can’t go on. It doesn’t ever mean that I will live in the past always. It doesn’t mean I will never have moments of weaknesses.

My daughter murmured softly and stirred in her sleep. I heard her whisper, “Mummy….”

I reached for her, wiped away my tears, and said a quick and quiet thanks to God and my father.

Brylcreem

You got any hair gel I can borrow? he asks me.

Wtf? I don’t use hair gel, I retort. You know that.

My hair looks like shit, he says.

OK fine, I’ll see what I can do.

I shuffle to my Dad’s bathroom and find a still-full tub of Brylcreem hair gel, dandruff control. I stand there for a while, holding the tub in my hands. He will never dip his fingers into this tub ever again. Spread them over his head and start combing his hair sideways. Like they do in old Chinese movies. He had the same hair style, for all of 63 years. (I know, because I saw his photos when he was an adorable babe of 3. Same hair style y’all).

Well, I can’t grieve over a tub of Brylcreem.

Fast forward: a week later.

You got any hair gel? he asks me.

Wtf? I say. I gave you my Dad’s Brylcreem last week.

I don’t know where I put it, he says lamely.

I want to scream, fuck you. Where the fuck did you put it? I ask him, my eyes watery. I am angry. I don’t know why. It was my Dad’s Brylcreem, where the fuck did you put it after you used it? Did you take it home? Why couldn’t you have just used it, and leave it in the bathroom? It was my Dad’s! Where is it?!

This rage comes from nowhere. Or maybe a place deep inside my heart, where the pain, the anguish, still festers like an old wound, never to be healed.

He is confused. But he knows better than to say anything other than, OK, I’ll check in all the bathrooms.

I look at his retreating figure, momentarily sorry for my outburst.

It was my Dad’s Brylcreem. You’d better damn well find it. Who knows if Daddy needs it again someday?

I will keep everything the way it was when he left. His toothbrush is still in his little free-gift Darlie cup. His Protex soaps are still in the toiletries drawer- I used one of them a few days ago, even though I hate using soap- but I do it, because it makes me feel closer to him. His paper handkerchiefs and packets of tissue papers- he always did have a thing for tissue paper. I will never want for any tissue paper anymore.

And his Brylcreem. It’s right where it belongs now.

In His Room

It was the kind of sunlight you’d only imagine in the movies. But it was there, picking up the dust motes from the air, lightly framing the legs of a wooden chair. It peeked through the half-drawn curtains.

I stretched in the bed, taking in the wonderful smells that was Him. He was nowhere to be seen, but a little note with sprawling, spidery-looking handwriting was stuck onto an ornate table lamp by the bedside. I plucked it up, and settled back into the downy pillows to read it. It simply said, “Out hunting. Back in the evening. Will miss you, my love. ~ E.”

His smell was everywhere, pervading the neat, glass-walled room. New-cut grass, fresh falling rain, the scent of earth in a wet forest, a meadowful of flowers, a hint of blood.

I snuggled back into bed, remembering the feel of His cold lips pressed against mine. His porcelain skin against my olive-skinned length. His liquid gold eyes, penetrating into my own dark ones, as I lay beneath Him like a weeping willow, my black hair fanned out like a sheet of silk on the pillow, my love and ecstasy beyond any words, descriptions or sounds.

He flew me to the Moon and back. Silenced me forever.

Could this be real? Perhaps this was a dream that I would wake up from? I buried my face into His pillow, the one with the blue case, all manly and stuff, willing it to be that this wasn’t just a dream. That I was, indeed, in His room. And that He was mine. And I, His

Picking up Pablo

I had forgotten how much I enjoyed reading Pablo Neruda’s poetry.

Today, I picked up “The Poetry of Pablo Neruda” once again. The last time I read it was on 13 August 2009, the night before my Daddy died. Sitting in the isolated room by his bedside, holding his swollen, yellowed hand as I read, tears streaming down my face. Daddy always did enjoy a good book, just like me. Even if it was an entire book of poetry, 3 inches thick. I read for hours that night.

When Daddy died, I chucked the book aside, because it reminded me of all the pain. That intense feeling of loss. Of that awful time when my soul emptied itself. I didn’t ever want to read it again. Desolation seeped from its pages, sadness oozed from its spine, my hatred for it curled the pages into dog-ears.

Today, I hesitantly chose it from the bookshelf. It was as if I was meeting someone new, for the very first time. I studied the portrait of Neruda on the cover. I caressed the pages, holding them delicately as if they were as fragile as tissue. I swept my hands over the smooth cover, remembering the feel of a book I had loved so passionately. But with these feelings also came an avalanche of memories, of the last time I had picked it up.

I am living now. I am discarding the past, like dirty linen. But I will always remember. Everything.

At Ikea

Two days ago, I went to my favourite blue-and-yellow Swedish furniture giant store, Ikea. With my time at the firm coming to an end, I had some serious packing and clearing up to do. I wanted to buy some nice patterned boxes that I could re-use, and some scented candles. So I parked my car, and leisurely made my way up the main escalator in the store front.

As I surveyed my surroundings, going up the escalator, taking in glimpses of Smaland, the Ikea in-house play area for children, I saw an old gentleman with a young girl, about 4 years old. A grandfather and grand-daughter, perhaps. He looked too old to be her father. They held hands, and she was vigorously nodding her head and pointing in the direction of Smaland. His wrinkled face was wreathed in a happy smile, as he said something indistinct to her and led her to Smaland.

And just then, very suddenly, I felt a pain in my chest. An intense pang of memory. A wave of sadness washed over me, and I squeezed out a few tears. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Daddy. I was remembering my Daddy. And how he used to bring my daughter to Smaland. It was their favourite place in the world.

Even after 57 days. The pain still remains. And the memories are more vivid than ever.

Ode From A Psychopath

Note: This piece was written by an old friend of mine, and I completely loved it. A collaboration ensued, I wrote music for this, and it became my first single in the indie album, Boys & Girls: 1+1=3 back in 1996.

There are dark things and dark minds
But none darker is the love I bear for you
The passion, coloured like deep burgundy wine
The tint of the blood that throbs
Within my mind, body, soul, my heart
Throbbing with my black, black
boiling passion, my unrequited love for you.

There is a method in all madness
Order and Plan;
My madness reads like a book.
The first chapter contains the moment
when I first saw you
standing against the light, casting your shadow
on my shaded being-
that is how I best picture you:
A dark creature that will darken others.
The second is on how I heard
a loud drumming in my temple
Till my heart almost failed-
It was my pounding pulse that did this
that, and your visionary beauty.

The third, and all that will follow
Is how I decided, that you
My sublime, my darkling faun
should never know my desire
And that I should poison my soul
With the love that I harbour for you.
With love will method be destroyed
With love will I in my true madness
Believe that you must die.

Blizzard

Oh, let thy Psyche form one love
Which Elysium hath ye known
In deepest grass springs sweets of clove
Hast thou, my dear heart, ever mown?

Old ditties sung in humble essay
Music’s warmth, oh, clear lucidity
Wherein this maiden, unseen; she prays
For eternal bliss, religion of alchemy.

Tears of diamond, crystal drops
Paleness enclouds melodious tombs
Of deep dark memories on mountain top
Cuts deep her heart, flowers are no bloom.

Fennels and columbines, yea, infidelity
Thou hast destroyed the age of innocence
But rue and herb of grace, yea, properly
Thou hast shown thy holy repentance.

So, listen, my love, to ditties sung
Of love and marriage, quadrille divine
For if the passing bell is rung
Then I, thy love, turn dust, faint fine.

Larded with sweet blossoms
Wept over graves and lilies unblown
Oh, how I love thee, even lonesome
To me, the wonder hast flown.

Nay, our love shall never depart more
In aged quietude, remote tranquility
In ponderous beauty shalt shine and glow
The unsating kiss that breeds felicity.

Oh, love, hast thou felt so content
In thine depth of heart infests the bloom
Hath led thee to sweet, immortal bent
Nay, never enter such richness gloom.

Thy inner soul springs forth a spray
Of blizzard dreams, as true they may.

Assault

Awake from thy deep and restless sleep
Darkness unveils her nightly hood in holy shrine
Of laborious gloom and blood of keeps
Exalted thy beauty, flesh of religion divine.
Come one, come two, come phantoms of the night
Howling, shrieking, assaulting thy senses
Never more the eternal manifest of light
Thy black soul shall never evoke the Muses.
Rise, dead one! Rise from thy warmth of grave
Diurnal force is but cyclical illusion
And when upon thee stalks a warrior brave
Mangle his heart, sip the red blood fusion.
True darkness awakes like sleeping ghosts
Yet never have thee ever seen one at most.