A love letter, written on 24 April 2000, from me to one ‘J’ [This is true, this is the actual letter that I sent him].
This is an extremely difficult letter to write. First, because it deals with matters that require sensitivity on the reader’s part. Secondly, because I have already told this to a person, whom I have to secrecry that he shall never repeat this, and I fear that I might have exhausted my capacity to write it down. The third and most important reason: in order to realte the forthcoming events, I have to reveal details from my personal emotional life and the fragile distance that separates my magical principles from the person that I truly am inside. As is true of any human beings, exposing my weaknesses is not easy.
You have said to me many times that you are lonely. But you know, you are not alone. We are not alone. Because you have me, and I’d like to believe that you might think that you have me too. We are part of the transformation of this changing world. Despite all the injustice and things that happen to us that we feel we don’t deserve, and despite the fact that we sometimes feel incapable of changing what is wrong with people and with the world- love is even stronger and it will help us grow. Only then will we be able to understand miracles.
You only have to accept the simple fact of love, that may be set right in front of your very eyes, but for some reason or other, you choose not to or you can’t see it. But I will tell you that your defects, dangerous depths and suppressed hatred, moments of weaknesses and desperation are all unimportant. If you believe and accept what is wrong about you and that you are deserving of a happy life, you would have thrown open an immense window that will allow love to enter. Sometimes, perhaps only for an instant, we fail to recognize a companion. When this happens, the effect is acute: for a moment the identity of the loved one exists enormously and we come to doubt our own. Fear- of relationships and commitments come into play to question your integrity and ideals. Sometimes I am forced to cross the dividing line between fantasy and reality. Fantasy when I make myself believe that there is a force between us that could transform my personal and disquieting loneliness into the stuff of romance; reality when I check myself many times to question the necessity of emotion on your part and whether I could ever move your heart.
You have provided me with an unconditional friendship many can only hope for. Last week, I wrote what I thought to be a lovely song named “Platonic” and the title pretty much sums it up. I only hope that you may someday listen to it, and then we could both laugh about the absurdity which I had whole-heartedly felt when I wrote it for you. “Platonic” is about the friendship between a man and a woman, along the way of which the latter begins to fancy delirium and the idea of oneness with her companion. But like all cliched stories and movies, the fear of rejection and the fear of loss of a wonderful friendship is immense, therefore she chooses to keep mum and suffers in silence while her heart aches away for this wonderful man whom she has come to care for deeply.
There is no sin but the lack of love. I will myself t have courage, be capable of loving even if it appears to be a treacherous and terrible thing. I follow the dictates of my heart. Obligations never prevented me from following my dreams. Remember that we are a manifestation of the absolute, and do only those things in our lives that are worth the effort. I try to believe that this is an effort on my part to endeavour to acquire a person like you, whom I believe may make my life a little more complete.
If you have made an unconscious pact- be it with defeat, evil, love, simplicity, superficial characterizations: break the pact. For the glory of love. For victory. For an opportunity to open your eyes and try to like what you see before you.
You have given me a place of power and freedom. And you are worth it all.
Yours, Pin Lean
[Slightly less than a month after this letter was written and sent, J reciprocated with his love. 4 years later, we got married].