So I’m already a mother. I have a beautiful 20-month old daughter. I’m still fat, though, from my excess pregnancy weight, which I’ve failed to lose since I delivered E. Yesterday, my mind had a conversation with my body:
Mind: Oh, how I want another baby! I love E., but it would be so nice to have another baby in the house.
Body: You gotta be kiddin’ me. You’re not the one carrying around this whale blubber.
Mind: I’m serious. I’m gonna get rid of the blubber first.
Body: Right… I heard you say that since you plonked out E. Man, she really caused me some load!
Mind: I’m serious. I joined the gym this year. I started a personal training program. I’m going to get professional help. You’ll see.
Body: Right… You pay a guy over two grand so that you can keep bumming him off when you have to do your personal training sessions. You say you’re too busy with work. Professional help ain’t cheap, by the way. And believe me, those models, the “after” models: they were skinny to begin with.
Mind: You’re very disheartening. It is true, too! I AM busy with work. Try doing my job instead of sitting in that chair all day. It’s very tiring to think the way I have to all day.
Body: You must have heavy brains. Cos you seriously weigh me down. Do you know how the Joints complain to me everytime you tell me to get up and start walking around? I swear, they’re gonna go on strike soon if you don’t try to pacify them.
Mind: Oh, please…why do you think I ask them to get moving? It’s tough being smart, ok. That’s not something I’d expect you to understand.
Body: Well, get this, Einstein. If you’re so smart, I expect you to understand how your lazy ass is affecting the others, too. You’re a lazy Mind.
Mind: Am not. In case you didn’t realise, I have a kid now. And I want to spend as much time with her as possible.
Body: Oh, beautiful. Why don’t you leave that to Emotions, why don’t you?
Mind: You know we gotta do this hand in hand, me and Emotions.
Body: Whatever. Look, send those endorphins or seratonins or whatever right down here, and let’s get us moving. Belly’s laughing all the time, she thinks she’s a muffin now. She thinks jeans are meant to be worn with her sticking out at the top. You gotta tell her she’s got it all wrong.
Mind: OK, OK. Sending some feel-good thoughts now. I say, we’re gonna go for a jog this evening when we get home.
Body: Oh, crap.
Mind: Hello! I want a baby ok. You gotta help me out here. I can’t have another baby until you start bucking up too.
Body: Whatever. And please- don’t wear those white Nikes. They’re too damned tight.