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Goodbye, My Love

You were my love. My everything. So- I often ask myself: what happened to us? Young, carefree, in the bloom of health, with love to guide our way. Or so we thought. Last night, I thought of you. I lay beside our daughter, beautiful thing that she is, with your eyes, your chin, your mouth. As I kissed her smooth chubby cheek, I remembered the feel of your cheek against mine- slightly rough with stubble, but how it comforted me.

I loved you with a passion no words could describe. I loved everything that you made me. I loved who I was because of you.

There is a deep kind of sadness that wells up inside me every time I think of what went wrong, and how that love we had for each other simply disintegrated, slowly finding its way out of our hearts, slipping quietly into the night sky and beyond. And in its place, contempt, dislike and unhappiness bred rampantly in my heart. So- what happened, my love?

That light that used to shine so brightly that it lit our paths in our journey  together- it is dark now. And cold. And still, I wonder. And day by day, I try to find my path again without you. With this small person who is our child, her hand clutched tightly in mine. Sometimes I am overshadowed with a loneliness so intense I have to block out the pain with medication. I lie in my bed and realize that you will not wake up beside me anymore, and that the sheets will always stay clean and smooth on your side of the bed.

Do I regret the choices I made? Sometimes, but they had to be made. Do I feel liberated at last? Maybe, to a certain extent. Will I ever stop loving you? I don’t think so.

Goodbye, my love.

June 10, 2012 - 2:02 am cindy - Pin Lean, do you still remember me? Back in those days, you introduced me to ATC where I took my Law studies. I remember whenyou picked me and Kenn up, we went for a movie then head to IKEA where you bought a few prints. What happened to Kenn, where is he now? And most of all.. how are you? I just spent over 2 hours reading your blog..so happy to have found you again! I was listening to your Eyelash song on YouTube when I decided to google you - that's how I found your blog. So sorry to hear about your dad. Sorry to hear about your failed marriage as well.. :( I wish you nothing but all the happiness, Pin Lean.

May 30, 2011 - 5:54 pm RSPcus - PL, this is very, very moving. It can come only from one place: the heart.

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