For hours, I battled with the demons inside me, trying to rationalize every single thing that was happening with me and B. Having met in a bookstore, and then having lunch, our initial awkward friendship continued over Whatsapp, text messages and phone calls, and blossomed into something I can only describe as beautiful magic. I am a person with no heart. I do not believe myself capable of falling in love again. I do not want to fall in love again. I have endured the heartache of a failed romance and marriage, and so much more- and I told myself years ago, no more. For Love is the destruction of the frail human heart. Years ago, I surrendered my Heart back to God. I have no desire, no intention, to fall in love. To be acquainted with that evil concept that destroyed me to the core so many years ago. I dated, but never more than 2 dates with the same man. I enjoyed the company of men, but I never saw beyond the date, never connected (nor wanted to) with anyone on an atomic and molecular level. I didn’t want all that anymore, because Love only brought me pain, suffering and heartache. My steely guards came up, and I protected myself, the empty shell of a heart I still had, with great care, determination and rationality. I don’t do love and relationships, I would say to people, or to the men who continued to pursue me. I’m sorry, I just don’t do love and relationships. I was happy the way I was, a single mother with a young child, content to spend the rest of my life in single-dom, resigned myself to the fact that I would never ever trust Love again (nor a man and the deceit in his heart).
Then, I met B. And the assault of emotions that came, together with him, his bright and unwavering personality, his quiet wisdom, his sense of spirituality, rationality and ethics. This man that I came to know as good, kind, spiritual, sensitive. I asked him where he had been my entire life. This is crazy, I told myself countless times. This is insane, I told him a million times. But still… the assault continued. I didn’t imagine this. I looked back at the countless hours we spent talking to each other every single day, 24 hours a day, for more than a month, every waking hour we had, his declaration of his feelings for me, all proof-positive that something like this was, once again, possible for a person like me. In a month and more, our relationship felt to me to have transcended the boundaries of time, for there was no time with B. With B, there was only an intensity that plunged straight into the core of my cold beaten heart. We battled through years of getting-to-know-you and the revelation of deepest, darkest secrets in just weeks. And I thought, how is this possible? I fought alongside every idea that this was ridiculous, fought alongside my sense of logic and rationality that things like these did not happen in real life. And still, as strong as I was, I had been defeated. For he made me happy, he made me glow. I smiled all day into the phone, smiled when I heard his voice. He made me smile again, as I have never smiled before. Happy as I had never remembered. And when we spoke about the possibilities of the future, I saw it all in my head. That it could somehow be.
And tonight, I am confronted with my greatest fear, and what only appears to me to be the truth. That I have fallen in love with B. That unbearable lightness of being. That unbearable beauty of opening myself up to Love again. That unbearable sickening thought that I may someday hurt again, break what’s left of my heart.
But I surrender. I surrender.