When I was a child, I was taught to believe in You, and all that You stood for in this world. I was taught to believe that you were the supreme Divine Being, the All and Nothing, the Omniscient and Omnipresent, the Alpha and Omega, the One and Everything. And I loved You because it was all that I knew how to do. I loved you for bringing me into this world and giving me eyes to see every beauty I had seen; my ears to hear the sounds of nature and the birds twittering in the early dawn light; my senses of touch and smell to experience the heady sensations of sweet, sour, soft, light, dense and every other touch-smell sense in the dictionary. But most of all, I was grateful to You for giving me my Heart- this beating heart in a warm cocoon of human frailty, this Heart capable of great love, devotion, softness and kindness- it was all You taught me to be, You who gave me this Heart of Compassion. And so, God, I revered You. You were the Light of the Universe when it was darkest.
Somewhere along the way, God, I lost You- but I never thought that You would forsake me. You led me through a turbulent period of teenage dreams and angst, moments of accomplishments in my education and work, and the wonder years of love, marriage and family. All this while, I kept You in sight and in the Heart You gave me, knowing You would lift me if I fell. Because you loved me, this girl whom many claimed to be a special child, and now, in my 30s, no ordinary woman. Ah, how I see now what You have in store for me.
You, God- You who loved me, and adored me as Your own child. You have now beat me down, to the point that I cannot get back up again. You, God, have taken away from me the most important thing in the world to me, my Daddy. I’ve asked You many times, why him- why this gracious, kind, good man, who has done nothing but kindness and goodness, and had so much to offer our nasty world? Why him- the only person in this entire world and universe who truly understood me, for me, truly knew me the way You had made me? I prayed to you, and yet You were silent. I shouted at You, and You did not respond. I sought You out to try to understand why You have done this to me. I received no answers.
Well. So this is it. I respect You, God- and everything You stand for, and try to bring to our crazy world. But I have not heard from You. And You have stolen from me the only good thing left in this world. Is this punishment for all the wrong I’ve done, the sins I hold in my Heart, this Heart You gave me, the sins You said you would forgive if I believed in You and sought You out. But alas, the joke is on me. You leave me here to rot on this carrion Earth, while my beloved father rests above with You.
Today, God…I know You no more. Today, I walk away from You, and leave in my place the beautiful beating Heart You gave me. Here, take it back. No longer is it mine. No longer am I Your child.
Marianne Lau Pin Lean